Dying to help … palliative care nurse and death doula Kara Chanter is hosting a ‘slightly unconventional’ event in Albury on 23 April where people can ask questions and talk with professionals about death, dying, and end-of-life care. Photo: Supplied.
Spoiler alert.
Every single one of us is going to die.
And yet, despite the fact it will happen to us all, death is still an uncomfortable, feared and taboo topic, according to end-of-life doula Kara Chanter.
“We act as if talking about death will somehow summon it,” says the palliative care nurse of 13 years.
Indeed, says Kara, people are far more comfortable talking about sex, dating and birth than they are about end-of-life wishes.
But, as she pointed out during a TEDx talk in Albury last year, just as talking about sex will not make you fall pregnant, talking about death will not make you die any faster.
And she has sat with enough people in their final moments – hearing last wishes and death-bed confessions – to know that when conversations or questions about dying are avoided, “we leave behind regret, guilt, and, sadly, unfinished business”.
It’s why Kara is set to host a “slightly unconventional” event in Albury on 23 April where people can have conversations in a safe space about the world of death, dying and end-of-life care.
She is quick to clarify this is not a lecture or seminar – it’s a social night with food, drinks, and an atmosphere that is meant to be casual, curious and, yes, fun. Roaming experts, including funeral directors, grief specialists, death doulas, wills and estate planners, veterinarians, and other end-of-life professionals, will be on hand to have their “brains picked”, according to Kara.
It’s a chance to “face death fearlessly” and ask questions we might not have been game to ask before, like: What really happens when someone dies? How is someone cremated? What happens if someone dies at home? How do I talk to my family about my wishes?
A ‘Storytelling Pop-Up’ will invite people to share their funniest or quirkiest death-related experiences (with a bottle of champagne on the line for the best story) while a ‘Before I Die Wall’ is a chance to outline your thoughts, wishes or wild ideas about life before it ends.
“Silence won’t save us”, says end-of-life doula and palliative care nurse Kara Chanter during her TEDx talk in Albury in 2025. Photo: Supplied.
Kara says statistics show more than 90 per cent of Australians say it’s important to talk about death and end-of-life preferences and yet 56 per cent of them have never written them down or had that conversation with family.
She has lost count of the number of times family have come up to her after a loved one has died saying things like, “I wasn’t told this”, or “I wish I’d known that”.
She’s heard, “This isn’t what Mum wanted when she died – she wanted to be at home surrounded by family, not in a palliative care unit”.
She’s sat with a woman undergoing radiation and chemotherapy, “where the side effects were worse than the cancer itself”, who said, “I did this for my family because I didn’t know how to tell them that I didn’t want any of it”.
“It was like a light bulb going off,” says Kara, who decided to train as an end-of-life doula to support individuals and families with non-medical aspects of decision-making around death and dying.
Now, in addition to her “day job” as a nurse, she has set up her own business Dying to Help, offering end-of-life care, funeral planning, grief coaching and facilitating women’s circles across the Albury-Wodonga region.
Kara says 99 per cent of what she does is supporting discussions between family members and advocating for individuals navigating life – and its toughest transitions.
“It might be as simple as pointing out that no, Dad didn’t want to be cremated, he wants to be buried at Yackandandah, or this is the song he actually wants at his funeral – and here it is written down and signed,” she says.
“In the case of one man who had stage four lung cancer, I had to explain to his family that all Dad wants to do is smoke as much as he wants and live out his days getting high!”
It’s about giving people permission to show up, exactly as they are, right until the very last breath.
Kara says her job is incredibly rewarding – and beautiful, and funny, and sad.
“Here’s what I’ve learned over the years,” she says.
“The ones who plan, the ones who talk, the ones who have those uncomfortable but necessary conversations … they have gentler deaths.
“Not because dying is easy. It can be raw, it can be sad and it can be full of grief.
“But because they aren’t left scrambling for answers at those final hours, where wishes are written down, families can simply be what they need to be – family.
“Not the carers, not the organisers. Simply, family.”
Being prepared for death is not morbid, Kara says.
“It is the ultimate act of love and death deserves a seat at that table – right alongside the bad date stories, weddings and plans for children,” she says.
“Because when we find the courage to talk about death, we discover what it really means to live.”
Dying to Know: The Conversation Everyone Avoids will be held at The Thirsty Devil Brewery, South Albury on Thursday 23 April (6 to 9:30 pm). Tickets are $33 – book here or find out more on the website.
