After losing their own babies to stillbirth, Megan Gaffney and Bek Baker founded The Volimah Community to help other families navigate the pain of pregnancy and infant loss. Photo: Eve Photography.
Content warning: This article discusses stillbirth and pregnancy loss.
As Wagga Wagga woman Rebekah (Bek) Baker grappled with the loss of her daughter Mia in a stillbirth, one challenge she faced was what to say to well-meaning family and friends asking her a certain question.
“It felt like everyone was reaching out and saying ‘If you need anything, let me know’ or ‘What can I do to help?’ I guess it’s one of those situations where it’s hard to know what to say, but the trouble was, I didn’t know what I needed, let alone what anyone could do for me,” she says.
One voice did cut through the haze of grief and isolation, however – her old friend, Megan Gaffney. Back in the day, Megan and Bek’s mothers had played softball together, so the women had grown up in each other’s orbit – but they hadn’t spoken in years.
“I was quite young when Megan’s daughter Ruby passed away, and I had never really connected the dots. She reached out and asked if I would like to go to a community event for people who had experienced stillbirth and pregnancy loss,” Bek says.
“All of a sudden it was like I didn’t have to feel so completely alone and lost. Someone was offering me support, and they genuinely knew what was going on.”
This connection sowed the seed of The Vilomah Community, a not-for-profit pregnancy and infant loss support organisation in Wagga Wagga.
A parent whose child has died is a ‘vilomah’, which explains the purpose of the community: that nobody experiences pregnancy or infant loss alone.
The organisation helps guide families who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or neo-natal death through the process of creating memories and keepsakes, as well as making funeral, burial or cremation arrangements.
They can liaise with other family members being introduced to baby, hospital staff and workplaces to prepare them on how best to support a bereaved parent returning to work.
They also advise on next steps for leaving the hospital, medical appointments and autopsies, and organise events when families face important dates such as Mother’s and Father’s Day, due dates, birthdays and Christmas.
All in all the program provides support and comfort to families for the 12 months after their loss and can connect families to councillors for ongoing help as needed.
The Vilomah Community support was designed based on Megan and Bek’s own experiences, to address gaps in pregnancy and infant loss support in the 12 months following a loss. Photo: Matt Baker.
The framework design is based on Megan and Bek’s own experiences.
“Bek and I realised in the nine years between the stillbirths of our baby girls, the support hadn’t really changed,” Megan says.
“Bek had received a photography package from Heartfelt Photography that wasn’t around when Ruby was born, and that was great. But when you’re leaving the hospital, and when the funeral is over and you’re sitting in the reality of what your life is now, you’re just left thinking, ‘What next?’ There’s nobody to say, ‘Hey, why don’t we meet up?’ or tell you it’s normal to feel the way you feel, think the things you think when you go through something like that. You have to navigate that on your own.
“Social workers and hospital staff are lovely, but they’re coming at it from a different angle. And it’s fair – you can’t expect a person who has never been through it to fully understand.
“We thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be good if someone who gets it was there to support families from the day their babies were born?”
The Vilomah Community has supported well over 50 families in their three years of operation. The organisation currently works predominantly with families in the Riverina, with hopes of one day going nationwide.
But already, referrals have come in from as far afield as the ACT.
“The past three years have shown us a great need for this service. The lack of support after the loss is undeniably huge,” Megan says.
“We want to help as many families as possible. To come in and say, ‘Hey, we’re going to take care of these things for you, so you can focus on creating as many memories as you possibly can in the limited time you have together. Then, we’ll be here to help you through what’s next, and the thing after that and the thing after that.”
Bek says importantly, the service is very flexible and adaptive, to allow families the space and means to honour their babies in the way they need to.
“Everyone’s journey of grief will be different. Nobody can compare their grief to yours,” she says.
For more information, visit The Vilomah Community.
If you or someone you know needs help, you can contact:
Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis support line – 13 11 14
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