Callum McPhee has celebrated an incredible milestone of being four years clean of ice. Photo: Murrumbidgee Men’s Group.
CONTENT WARNING: This story discusses suicide.
For more than 20 years Callum McPhee only knew one way to overcome pain.
Stemming from the loss of his father at a young age, drugs were the solution to drown out the sorrow and hardship he had struggled to properly process.
Smoking cigarettes became taking ecstasy, ecstasy became speed, and speed ultimately led to ice (crystal meth). For two decades, Callum would do anything he could to reach his next high while being complacent about the devastation it caused.
For Callum, it was the loss of a lifelong friend and a fellow drug user that pushed him to seek proper help. Now, Callum is four years and two days clean of drugs and works to help others in their journeys of recovery.
Cigarettes and booze from an early age
Callum said he found it hard to fit in when growing up in Leeton.
“I never really felt comfortable in my own skin, and that carried into my school life and trying to make friends. When I was 10 years old, my father passed away, and that really impacted my life,” he said.
“It put a lot of fear into me knowing that at any moment, someone that I loved could die. I became very angry and very scared at the same time.
“Meanwhile, my older brother Campbell, who is three years older than I, started rebelling against the world. He started experimenting with drugs, he would be brought home by the police, and for one reason or another, I was really attracted to that lifestyle.
By the age of 13, Callum was a regular smoker and drinker, something he thought made him seem cool around his mates.
Moving to harder drugs
By 17, Callum was taking ecstasy regularly and by 18, he was admitted to a rehab facility for the first time.
“At 18, my mum got quite concerned,” he said.
“She was well known in the Leeton community and was a teacher at St Francis. She said that she was concerned with my lifestyle, which at the time would see me blacked out drunk with any drug I could get my hands on during the weekend and then the rest of the week sick from doing drugs and drinking.
“We decided that I should give rehab a crack. It wasn’t really for me. I was there for three or four days, and I just thought, nope, I don’t need to be here and left.
“A week after I left, I tried ice for the first time.”
Callum said that early on ice provided him a feeling he had never experienced before and in the short term he believed his depression was gone, and his confidence grew.
How ice destroyed a life
Over the next 10 years, the feeling died, and eventually led to him feeling lower than he had ever felt before.
“I was doing criminal activity, I had plenty of court days and I was lucky to skip jail. I was told I couldn’t look after my kids due to my addiction, and so many other terrible things were happening,” he said.
“For so long during this, I was trying to convince myself that I was OK. I was stuck in this place called denial.
“All my family who loved me. I could see the pain in their eyes that I was causing, but I was still in the headspace of like, you don’t understand what I’m going through. I’m not that bad. You’re just making it seem worse.”
During Callum’s period of drug use, his relationship with his brother deteriorated. The pair, both dependent on drugs as a crutch, refused to be around one another while using. Callum said that reflecting on that time, he believed it was because neither wanted to see the other in pain.
Turning point
In November 2021, a lifelong friend – with a similar lifestyle to Callum’s – took their own life. Experiencing his friend’s funeral, Callum was hit with a moment of clarity.
“I realised I was digging myself an early grave,” he said.
“My friend’s passing away shook my entire world, and the pain was different to anything I’d ever experienced.
“I stayed out using for about another three months, and somehow it got even worse until one night in February 2022. At that point, I was living with my mum, and things had gotten so bad that she was too scared to leave the house for fear that she would come home and find me dead.
“Four years on, I look back at that night in February, and I still remember everything so vividly. I remember how much I used it, where I used it and how it felt.
“I remember that I was crying while I was using, and I was in so much pain. I decided in that moment that I wanted to pray. It was the first time in a very long time, but I started to pray.
“I remember reaching out for help and thinking if there’s a God, if there’s anything out there that loves me, please help me stop.”
Callum was prepared to end his life that night on 2 February 2022.
Whether it was through God or the thought of his family, Callum was able to sleep. On the morning of 3 February, Callum flushed the remainder of his drugs.
He removed all of his drug contacts and spent three days detoxing before getting a call that a bed in a rehab facility in Goulburn had opened up.
“At the time I called the facility where my brother was, hoping there might be a spare bed there,” he said.
“By some miracle, believe it or not, the person who answered the phone at that facility was my brother. I didn’t realise I was talking to him at the time, but he was the one who helped me get a bed at the facility I ended up going to in Goulburn.”
Callum and his brother Campbell are now both sober and are each walking their own roads of recovery. Photo: Supplied.
Returning to Leeton sober
Callum spent three months at the rehab facility before leaving to attend his sister’s birthday, and for the first time since being sober, Callum returned to his old stomping ground.
“Coming back to Leeton was really difficult,” he said.
“I obviously had the reputation that I did. Police knew who I was, and in a place like Leeton, word travels pretty quickly.
“Fortunately, I now have a group of friends who are super supportive of my lifestyle and have made it easier for me to live back in Leeton. I think I’ve demonstrated that I am serious about not wanting to ever go back to where I was.”
Callum and his best mate William were able to travel overseas after being under curfew only a few years prior. Photo: Supplied.
Helping others and enjoying life
Now four years sober, Callum works for Karralika Programs as a lived experience worker, where he helps deliver programs for others affected by drugs and alcohol.
Callum described getting his job as the second miracle he’d seen, following the night of 2 February 2022.
Callum said that alongside his work, he tried to live a simple lifestyle, which had helped him following his time in rehab.
“I go to work, I go to the gym, and I go to the church on Sundays,” he said.
“I’m now able to spend time with my partner, my friends and my family, which I would never have been able to do before.
“I was looking back to where I was, and I think about the time when I used to have to report to the police seven days a week and had a curfew of 8 pm every night, I wasn’t allowed to even leave the state.
“Now I’m at a point where I was able to travel overseas last year with my best mate. That’s something I’d never thought I’d ever be able to do.
“This week, celebrating being four years sober, that’s better than any feeling drugs ever gave me.”
If you or someone you know needs help, you can contact:Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis support line – 13 11 14Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467Kids Helpline – 1800 551 800 or kidshelpline.com.auMensLine Australia – 1300 789 978.
